The horse industry is a business that many people, unless involved[pick your audience – you may want get rid of this], hear very little of. It is more thought of as an outdoor, down to nature type of sport and [an]industry that has very little to do with [on-line]social media on line and the Internet. However, that is changing. There has been a ton of development for the horse industry over the past couple of years. Although the horse industry is a very specialized market, for those with disposable income, it is still a very interesting industry. (I had to read this sentence a couple of times before I got it. Maybe rewording is needed?) One can almost be involved even without the concept of massive amounts of income, and this is because of social media and the Internet. The social media aspect of the horse industry on line would be blogging and on line horse classified advertisements. There is also on line shopping. (fragment? Also the previous sentence with the "would be" is awkward. Consider rephrasing like, "On line shopping, classified advertisements and blogging are different forms of social media within the horse industry.") [I agree]The equine consumer can pretty much purchase anything on line for their four-legged friend. Lastly, there is an un-numerable amount of information on line regarding horse shows, which is especially helpful for the exhibitor.
First, in the horse industry, is blogging. It is a very effective way to talk to others across the country, and even the world. (again, I'd consider rewording these two sentences. "Blogging is a very effective way to talk to others across the country and even the world about the horse industry.")On these websites horse people can share advice, training information, or just share opinions (about what?). A very popular members-only magazine/blogging site would be from The Chronicle of the Horse (www.chronofhorse.com) It isknown as "The Chronicle" to horse people. This blog is where people from all over can talk about what breeds are desirable for what disciplines, or people post pictures of themselves riding, asking other fellow Chronicle bloggers what they think. It is a complete on line community of horse people that are generally supportive of each other. This on line blog is a really neat experience for horse people because one can find so many people from so many different areas with different horse trainers, and therefore one can get so many different opinions on one photo or one thing (what is the one thing? I don't understand that part)that is what makes blogging even just in general a really interesting experience.(Run-on and you don't need it. It's better without that last part) The blogging aspect of the industry is important for horse people to communicate and give advice.
(new paragraph)[I agree]Another important source for social media on the Internet in the horse industry is horse classified advertisements. A popular website for activity like this is Equisearch.com classifieds. Here, there are many possibilities. The advertisements ,here too, are also of high quality, meaning the horses for sale are of good quality. At this website one can see pictures, information of the animal and owners, pedigree (pedigree of what?), and a map of location (location of what?). Contact information of the owner (the owner of the classified site? or of what is for sale or something else?) can also be seen. This is important to the equine market because people can see horses from anywhere, at any time and also more quickly the other resources. Instead of advertising in the back of a magazine, there is always a way to make sure the advertisement is noticed (how?). There is even a counter for how many views the advertisement has had, so the seller knows if it is working or not.(you have a lot of "there is" in this paragraph. Try rephrasing putting the part about the seller first: "The seller knows if the advertisement is working or not by looking at the counter in the advertisement for how many views it has had.") Horse classified advertisements are vital because it is an efficient way to see and market horses to people anywhere in the nation. (I moved the blogging sentence up to the paragraph about blogging)
Next the on line shopping market for the horse industry is plainly insane. (I'm struggling with this sentence. Is this a bad thing or what? I just don't really understand.) Not only can one buy clothes for horse and rider but the horse enthusiast can buy saddles, supplements, and medicine, all from on line. The first point to make about on line shopping would be about buying tack (saddles) on line. (This sounds like an outline of what you want to write about, not an introduction to your paragraph. Maybe reword?) At a high quality store such as Beval Saddlery Ltd. one can buy any of their products on line including their "signature" saddle, the Butet. This saddle sells for around $4,500.00. It is made in France with french calfskin. (Maybe combine these two sentences to read, "This saddle is made in France with... and sells for....) It can be purchased on line and shipped homeanywhere. However before a customer makes their decision, they can try the saddle out with Beval's "demo saddle program" where they try out a saddle to see if they like it. So, Being able to try before they buy and having it be able to shipdirectly to their home is a huge advantage and that alone makes a great selling point. So when the consumer decides to purchase an extremely expensive item on line, they can be sure that it will be shipped reliably to their home all because of the Internet. [this could be another paragraph] Another valuable Internet resource for on line shopping would be SmartPak Equine (www.smartpak.com). Here they not only sell clothes for horse and rider and also tack, but they also sell another element of the industry and they're the first to do so in the fashion they've developed. They sell customized supplements for one's horse. They arecalled "SmartPaks". The SmartPaks consist of pre-measured customized doses of the horse's supplements. Each supplement is divided into it's own "well", then vacuum sealed with the horse's name and supplements contained printed on it. Not only are they customized for one's horse, they are more economical as compared to buying a sixty day supply of a supplements in a bucket. It getsEven better, they are "auto-shipped" every twenty-eight days so one never runs out. This adds convenience and peace of mind so one doesn't have to run to the tack shop (where horse products are sold) and buy another bucket. This all can be done on line easily and quickly. One doesn't have to be put on-hold on the phone and such. Just click and it's done. This is really quite a successful concept. I know many I know many people in my barn that use them, including myself. SmartPaks can also include medicine that requireswith a prescription, and that means no running to the vet. So because consumers can purchase products like these, the websites make it very convenient to care for our equine friend.
Lastly are websites dedicated to horse shows. These websites not only give exhibitor information which is important when planning to attend a show, but it also has spectator information. For the exhibitor, when planning to attend a horse show like the Pennsylvania National, it is vital that information like the entry blank and booklet that has all the list of classes is easy to access. Therefore the exhibitor can enter on time. (fragment?) What is also important is information like hotels and directions. If this information wasn't on line reservations couldn't be made in a timely fashion and it wouldn't be as easy to find how to get there. For spectators information such as what classes are being held when, and what shopping there is is important in deciding whether or not to attend. If this information wasn't on line it would make it difficult in planning for events like these.
The horse industry relies heavily on the Internet, and its social media aspect. It relies on the social media aspect for communication about several different topics, and also advertisements. It also effects the productivity by being able to purchase virtually anything on line. Lastly, t The websites geared toward horse shows are vital in planning for exhibitors and spectators alike. Without the Internet the horse industry would not be where it is today.
Sara Shepherd's feedback for Laura Zavresa's 3.1INF:
First I want to say that I put a lot of edits in there and I feel like you might feel like I have done nothing but bash your paper or writing or whatever. But really, I think it was well written and I enjoyed hearing more about horses. I am completely ignorant about the subject so maybe my feedback is good so you can get a feel for what is obvious to you, a buff of the subject, but not so obvious to the average joe. I think one other thing I might consider if I were you is finding another way to say "the horse industry." It felt a little repetitive at times. Anywhere I underlined things, I would remove them from the final essay. I tried using a strikethru but I guess wikispaces doesn't support that format. I'm sorry I can't help much with the intro or conclusion. I'm really bad at both of those.
- Sara
What is the thesis? The horse industry has been greatly affected by the Internet.
How is the essay organized? Laura started with her intro paragraph, then discussed blogging as it pertains to horses. In the next paragraph she discussed horse classified advertisements and in the next available online shopping for horse gear. Finally she wrote about the information available on the internet for various horse shows and finished with her conclusion.
Was the organization logical? I thought it was very clear and organized well.
Were any parts not relevant to the thesis? No, the only thing I would say is that I wasn't totally sure of the thesis until the conclusion. I think it needs to be clearer in the opening paragraphs
What examples and types of evidence were most convincing? I thought all of her examples were very convincing. I know I use the internet in similar ways for different things (usually books) and I know first hand that the internet has changed the way I think and shop. I don't know that I would have thought about that being true for horses and horse lovers as well.
What two places could use more development? Some of the horse jargon was over my head although she does explain what tack means, which is good. I pointed out a couple of places where I was a little lost about what exactly she meant, particularly in the paragraph about classified ads.
Did the introduction catch your attention? The topic itself isn't one that is of interest to me so it wasn't until I got into the meat of the essay that I found myself caught up in the writing.
Jill Glick's feedback for Laura E. Zavresa's 3.1INF:
What is the thesis? Type out the thesis you find in the paper in your own words; it will help you see whether the writer's main insight is made sufficiently clear. The thesis is about how online social media has helped enhance and provide conveniences for riders and their horses.
How is the essay organized? Describe in three or four sentences how the essay is organized. This will help you determine if the structure was clear. The essay is easy to follow; it describes how blogging is used to share ideas, the use of online shopping and to obtain information for horse shows. Some of the paragraphs are a bit long and could be broken down into smaller sections.
Was the organization logical? Was this the best way the writer could present their information? The writing is logical and I believe that Laura is off to a great start for a rough draft. It needs a few revisions for it to be clearer.
Were any parts not relevant to the thesis? As a reader did you pause to wonder how a statement or paragraph was related to the thesis?I feel that all that was written is relevant to the thesis.
What examples and types of evidence were most convincing? Did the essay engage your emotions and appeal to your experiences in appropriate ways? I was curious about this essay since I’ve ridden a few times, did a little caring for a horse and enjoyed it immensely. The paper is informative by giving examples of being able to purchase custom made vitamins and purchasing expensive saddles.
What two places could use more development?Which places in the text need more evidence, examples, explanation.I would give more attention to the first paragraph. There’s a lot covered and it’s a mixture of ideas that needs to be slimmed down and written clearer. The sentences near the end of the paragraph, “The social media aspect of the horse industry on line would be blogging and on line horse classified advertisements. There is also on line shopping. The equine consumer can pretty much purchase anything on line for their four-legged friend.” If the word “online” was used with social media, it would help eliminate the need to use it several more times and would read as: The online social media aspect of the horse industry would be blogging, classified advertisements and online shopping.
To avoid too much information, I would use the next sentence “The equine consumer can pretty much purchase anything online for their four-legged friend” later in the essay. It’s a great sentence and should be used.
Did the introduction catch your attention? The writer was probably writing about a topic that already interests them, so did they communicate that interest to you? It did get my attention and I was curious about the remark, “One can almost be involved even without the concept of massive amounts of income.”
Laura E. Zavresa's 3INF rough draft
The horse industry is a business that many people, unless involved [pick your audience – you may want get rid of this] , hear very little of. It is more thought of as an outdoor, down to nature type of sport and [an] industry that has very little to do with [on-line] social media on line and the Internet. However, that is changing. There has been a ton of development for the horse industry over the past couple of years. Although the horse industry is a very specialized market, for those with disposable income, it is still a very interesting industry. (I had to read this sentence a couple of times before I got it. Maybe rewording is needed?) One can almost be involved even without the concept of massive amounts of income, and this is because of social media and the Internet. The social media aspect of the horse industry on line would be blogging and on line horse classified advertisements. There is also on line shopping. (fragment? Also the previous sentence with the "would be" is awkward. Consider rephrasing like, "On line shopping, classified advertisements and blogging are different forms of social media within the horse industry.") [I agree]The equine consumer can pretty much purchase anything on line for their four-legged friend. Lastly, there is an un-numerable amount of information on line regarding horse shows, which is especially helpful for the exhibitor.
First, in the horse industry, is blogging. It is a very effective way to talk to others across the country, and even the world. (again, I'd consider rewording these two sentences. "Blogging is a very effective way to talk to others across the country and even the world about the horse industry.") On these websites horse people can share advice, training information, or just share opinions (about what?). A very popular members-only magazine/blogging site would be from The Chronicle of the Horse (www.chronofhorse.com) It is known as "The Chronicle" to horse people. This blog is where people from all over can talk about what breeds are desirable for what disciplines, or people post pictures of themselves riding, asking other fellow Chronicle bloggers what they think. It is a complete on line community of horse people that are generally supportive of each other. This on line blog is a really neat experience for horse people because one can find so many people from so many different areas with different horse trainers, and therefore one can get so many different opinions on one photo or one thing (what is the one thing? I don't understand that part) that is what makes blogging even just in general a really interesting experience. (Run-on and you don't need it. It's better without that last part) The blogging aspect of the industry is important for horse people to communicate and give advice.
(new paragraph) [I agree] Another important source for social media on the Internet in the horse industry is horse classified advertisements. A popular website for activity like this is Equisearch.com classifieds. Here, there are many possibilities. The advertisements ,here too, are also of high quality, meaning the horses for sale are of good quality. At this website one can see pictures, information of the animal and owners, pedigree (pedigree of what?), and a map of location (location of what?). Contact information of the owner (the owner of the classified site? or of what is for sale or something else?) can also be seen. This is important to the equine market because people can see horses from anywhere, at any time and also more quickly the other resources. Instead of advertising in the back of a magazine, there is always a way to make sure the advertisement is noticed (how?). There is even a counter for how many views the advertisement has had, so the seller knows if it is working or not.(you have a lot of "there is" in this paragraph. Try rephrasing putting the part about the seller first: "The seller knows if the advertisement is working or not by looking at the counter in the advertisement for how many views it has had.") Horse classified advertisements are vital because it is an efficient way to see and market horses to people anywhere in the nation. (I moved the blogging sentence up to the paragraph about blogging)
Next the on line shopping market for the horse industry is plainly insane. (I'm struggling with this sentence. Is this a bad thing or what? I just don't really understand.) Not only can one buy clothes for horse and rider but the horse enthusiast can buy saddles, supplements, and medicine, all from on line. The first point to make about on line shopping would be about buying tack (saddles) on line. (This sounds like an outline of what you want to write about, not an introduction to your paragraph. Maybe reword?) At a high quality store such as Beval Saddlery Ltd. one can buy any of their products on line including their "signature" saddle, the Butet. This saddle sells for around $4,500.00. It is made in France with french calfskin. (Maybe combine these two sentences to read, "This saddle is made in France with... and sells for....) It can be purchased on line and shipped home anywhere. However before a customer makes their decision, they can try the saddle out with Beval's "demo saddle program" where they try out a saddle to see if they like it. So, Being able to try before they buy and having it be able to
ship directly to their home is a huge advantage and that alone makes a great selling point. So when the consumer decides to purchase an extremely expensive item on line, they can be sure that it will be shipped reliably to their home all because of the Internet.
[this could be another paragraph] Another valuable Internet resource for on line shopping would be SmartPak Equine (www.smartpak.com). Here they not only sell clothes for horse and rider and also tack, but they also sell another element of the industry and they're the first to do so in the fashion they've developed. They sell customized supplements for one's horse. They are called "SmartPaks". The SmartPaks consist of pre-measured customized doses of the horse's supplements. Each supplement is divided into it's own "well", then vacuum sealed with the horse's name and supplements contained printed on it. Not only are they customized for one's horse, they are more economical as compared to buying a sixty day supply of a supplements in a bucket. It gets Even better, they are "auto-shipped" every twenty-eight days so one never runs out. This adds convenience and peace of mind so one doesn't have to run to the tack shop (where horse products are sold) and buy another bucket. This all can be done on line easily and quickly. One doesn't have to be put on-hold on the phone and such. Just click and it's done. This is really quite a successful concept. I know many I know many people in my barn that use them, including myself. SmartPaks can also include medicine that requires with a prescription, and that means no running to the vet. So because consumers can purchase products like these, the websites make it very convenient to care for our equine friend.
Lastly are websites dedicated to horse shows. These websites not only give exhibitor information which is important when planning to attend a show, but it also has spectator information. For the exhibitor, when planning to attend a horse show like the Pennsylvania National, it is vital that information like the entry blank and booklet that has all the list of classes is easy to access. Therefore the exhibitor can enter on time. (fragment?) What is also important is information like hotels and directions. If this information wasn't on line reservations couldn't be made in a timely fashion and it wouldn't be as easy to find how to get there. For spectators information such as what classes are being held when, and what shopping there is is important in deciding whether or not to attend. If this information wasn't on line it would make it difficult in planning for events like these.
The horse industry relies heavily on the Internet, and its social media aspect. It relies on the social media aspect for communication about several different topics, and also advertisements. It also effects the productivity by being able to purchase virtually anything on line. Lastly, t The websites geared toward horse shows are vital in planning for exhibitors and spectators alike. Without the Internet the horse industry would not be where it is today.
Sara Shepherd's feedback for Laura Zavresa's 3.1INF:
First I want to say that I put a lot of edits in there and I feel like you might feel like I have done nothing but bash your paper or writing or whatever. But really, I think it was well written and I enjoyed hearing more about horses. I am completely ignorant about the subject so maybe my feedback is good so you can get a feel for what is obvious to you, a buff of the subject, but not so obvious to the average joe. I think one other thing I might consider if I were you is finding another way to say "the horse industry." It felt a little repetitive at times. Anywhere I underlined things, I would remove them from the final essay. I tried using a strikethru but I guess wikispaces doesn't support that format. I'm sorry I can't help much with the intro or conclusion. I'm really bad at both of those.
- Sara
Jill Glick's feedback for Laura E. Zavresa's 3.1INF:
- What two places could use more development? Which places in the text need more evidence, examples, explanation. I would give more attention to the first paragraph. There’s a lot covered and it’s a mixture of ideas that needs to be slimmed down and written clearer. The sentences near the end of the paragraph, “The social media aspect of the horse industry on line would be blogging and on line horse classified advertisements. There is also on line shopping. The equine consumer can pretty much purchase anything on line for their four-legged friend.” If the word “online” was used with social media, it would help eliminate the need to use it several more times and would read as: The online social media aspect of the horse industry would be blogging, classified advertisements and online shopping.
To avoid too much information, I would use the next sentence “The equine consumer can pretty much purchase anything online for their four-legged friend” later in the essay. It’s a great sentence and should be used.